My last post was 6 months ago. now i'm in sec4 already.
There was so much to say, about turning sec4, about the looming O's that we have to face, but i never really found the time to write it all down.
And that is why this blog turned mouldy, died and rotted.
Cos this year has been really busy.
Because of band.
Yep, band.
Band was, a journey. From the beginning of getting used to playing an instrument, to trying to make friends, to getting closer with my seniors, to feeling sick and tired of this 4-letter word. To finally prepping myself for the 'final lap'.
Actually band can't be summarised in a few sentences. I might need a few weeks.
But now, i think, how i used to long for this day, Monday, 6 April, my first band-free day.
So why now, why do i miss it. Why do i miss Band?
Isit because we didnt end on a glory note?
Isit because our last day of band was in tears?
Or isit because i have come to love band, after all.
I guess its all 3.
Today. When they announced the results, formally, to the entire school, we all felt that pain again. Everybody worked so hard, not just for ourselves, not just for all the seniors before us, but also, to finally prove to the school how good we can be.
And once again, just like 2 years ago, we didn't.
We proved, to ourselves, in our hearts, how we are made of gold. But there's a difference, that only having it announced by judges and seeing it on a piece of paper will make.
And although we all say it doesn't matter, really, what we get. As long as we play with no regrets.
Deep down in our hearts, it matters.
A champion is not a champion until someone officially announces, and presents that person with a medal.
And so, we can never feel truly like a gold band, till we get that officiality.
On friday, I recorded the anouncement. Because i believed that i wanted to be able to relive the euphoria of hearing a Gold, finally. I remember the euphoria, from NBC. And I wanted that. So badly. We all did.
It was only at that point of time, when i heard them say Silver, that i realised how important it was.
I once told Syahirah, that i would be sad, only if we didn't get what we deserve. If we failed, and got a Silver, i wouldn't feel any pain.
I was wrong.However well or horribly i thought we did, whether or not we expected to get a silver, it still hurts, equally bad, when it is said officially.
Cos really, everyone still has that glimmer of hope, and only the judges can snuff it out completely.When hope leaves you, it isn't a piercing pain, but rather, an ache, a dull thud, when your heart sinks.
It is the sort of pain that feels like it could last forever.
A pain, that with time, could be lessened, but never truly removed.
Until the day when we are really awarded GOLD.
The hall had no cheers. Just polite claps. I remember every little detail, because i felt we were moving in limbo. I didn't cry immediately. Only when we left the hall, because in truth, i had a wild, unrealistic hope. That somehow, the results were wrong, that maybe the person would say it was a mistake. How naive i could be! I even recorded the announcement, thinking ( and believing) it would be a moment I want to remember forever.
I now know the meaning of drowning in sorrow. As Cedar Symphonic Band left the hall, no one could hold back tears. I looked around, and watched people who hated band and couldn't wait till graduation, cry. I cried.
I cried because of the sadness of the people around me.
I cried because of the disappointment, the unfairness. For Nanyang didn't deserve a Gold. And neither did we.
I cried because I knew we deserved better.
No matter what others say, how it didn't matter, so long as we knew what we deserved in our hearts, and how it was okay.. All those thoughts, at that moment, i felt it was so untrue.
Of course it matters. Why won't it?
And like a spectator, i watched, banders circling each other, hugging, crying.
I watched our seniors, who came back, with hope and anticipation, of us being able to achieve what they could not. well. we couldn't, either.
I watched the vp and adults stand there, not knowing what to do, for they could only feel sympathy, but never empathy.
The bus ride home was silent. There was nothing left to say, for we all felt each other's sorrow, and who could console who?
That friday evening, we reached the bandroom,
Everything had changed since we last seen it.
The leaders ended with a tearful speech, mrs lim cried too. And that, made me cry even harder.
The people that went through this journey with us, we all wanted more, expected more, deserved more. and finally, was disappointed more.
I wont ever forget this. Yes, csb is not the best, not the most well known, but it is mine.
I'm from CSB, and no matter what, i have to move on, be like the seniors before me, and pass on all my hopes of being GOLD to the next batch, or the next.
And one day, we will get what we deserve.To Aqila, Cathlin and Emily: Thanks for the meal. With you 3 around, I forgot all my sadness.
Thank you, so very much.
